Transfer of origional post on live journal October 12, 2006, 17:28

Hey people.

As promised in my previous post I said I might add a small back story to “me”.

Upon reading my friend sturms post I thought it could be a cool addition.

Anyway, Lets make a start.

How far back should I start this?

It’s hard to judge so brace yourself people. I’m going to go back pretty far.

I’m going to share memories from when I was around 7ish years old. Bear in mind that when I was 7 the things that were going on with me and around me didn’t make any alarm bells ring. I was too young to understand the seriousness of the situations that I was getting involved in.

So here goes.

When I was 7 ish I went camping with 2 of my uncles and a few of their friends. There was between 10 and 14 of us if I remember right. I remember my nana telling Shaun and Steven (my uncles) that I had to be in the middle as I was the youngest and id get too cold. It was a brilliant night. The tent went up really quick and before long there was a huge fire going. It was cool we brought potato’s and wrapped them in tin foil to cook on the fire. It was great! They were all drinking and before long it was time to settle down for the night.

It turned out I was going to be 2nd from the end in the sleeping arrangements but I didn’t really mind. I had a couple of layers of clothes on so I was warm enough. I remember during the night I even took a couple of layers off because it got very warm with all of us in the tent.

Then I woke up with a bit of a fright. You know that funny feeling you get when you’ve been lying on your arm and it goes numb? Then you touch yourself with it and it feels like its someone else touching you? Well I got that feeling so I woke up. It turns out one of the group was touching me up. Now remember what I said at the start of this journal entry. I was too young to realise what was going on was bad. So I went along with it. Obviously I’m not going to go into intimate details but “stuff” happened. It was wrong and illegal but it happened. Looking back i'm not sure how it could have happened with so many people in the tent sharing but it did. I don’t feel bad or have any resentment towards the lad in the tent who did what he did. Maybe I should but it’s never bothered me to this day. It didn’t feel bad and still doesn’t.

Now were going to fast forward to me being 15 ish.

I went to a party with a friend. I remember the owner of the house kept looking at me “funny”. He was called Terry. At this point I thought I knew what gays and queers were. Only school playground stuff though. I still hadn’t made the connection with myself yet so I thought nothing of the looks I was getting. The party went on till the early hours with everyone including myself getting drunk and having fun. I’ve never been a good drinker so it didn’t take much for me to get merry! People were going home or to bed and by the end there were only a couple of us left awake. There were spare rooms so me and a couple of friends decided to stay over. I remember being asked to lock the back door. The kitchen was very dark and I didn’t know where the light was so I fumbled across the kitchen to the door. Just as I got there someone grabbed me from behind. His left arm went down the front of my trousers as his left arm went across my chest and pulled me towards him. I remember feeling him pressed against me. I didn’t resist or fight back. At that point I wanted it to happen and I was very “excited” about the whole thing. It was over as quickly as it started. Something must have clicked in my head. For years I had no idea what was wrong with me. In those few seconds id realised it was terry who had grabbed me and it felt really good. He walked back into the living room and left me standing in the Dark kitchen. I just stood there and didn’t move. He came back in and this time it was me who grabbed him. I grabbed him and kissed him. After that it went back into the living room like nothing had happened. The part went on a little longer. All the time I was really horny and i’m sure my friends thought something was wrong. Eventually I said I was going to bed and went off to the spare room, I got ready for bed and went to sleep. Id tried to stay awake but I was drunk and it was late. I remember waking up and someone else being in the room. A spooky feeling. Then I noticed terry at the door. When he realised I’d seen him he came in and locked the door behind him. My heart was racing.

I’m not going to go into any gory details but we had sex. The next morning I left and never went back. I’m not sure why but I didn’t want to see him again.

Now those were the 2 most important sexual encounters in my life. I don’t have any bad feelings to the people involved but I am very aware that it was wrong. At the same time if I could turn the clock back and have the option of none of it happening id say no. I think they were important learning lessons for me.

Nothing happened in my life again till I was 20 and met my 1st boyfriend. Me and mark didn’t last long as boyfriends but we’ve been best friends ever since. Were still very close and i’m going to be the best man at his wedding in February.

So here ends my longest journal entry!!