Finally a new post!

December 17^th!

That was the last time I was here. That’s just crazy. I just spent some time going through my old posts. It got me thinking about something.

I had a headache today. Right behind my eyes. It’s been bugging me since 3pm.

Anyway……

Me and my fella both have profiles on a gay website. It’s a social networking site but it’s also a bit of a cruising zone. People check out each other and if they like what they see they arrange to meet up. We don’t see other people but we have friends on there so it’s a good place to catch up. I check in daily to send or reply to messages to and from friends. It’s cool.

Bloody hell. Look at that paragraph of me muttering!

……..Getting to the point.

You can leave “notes” on other people’s accounts telling them what you think of them.

Things like “Killer Smile” or “Your Hot”

It’s public so you know when you get one and so does anyone else who cares to look.

My other half left a note on someone’s profile telling them “Your Cute”. He says it to me all the time and I love to hear it but telling other people kind of takes something away from it.

Like a tarnished cuddle. You want it. Maybe need it but knowing that other people can have it leaves it not as fulfilling as it should be. 2^nd hand affection?

Anyway. I’m muttering again!

Saying it on a cruising website is a little fishy.

I know he finds this other person attractive because he has a picture of him stored on the pc.

Being an insecure person you can imagine what it makes me think.

Also due to the nature of the website they could also look at it in a different way.

(Insecurity in full swing here)

They could think that it might be that my boyfriend wants this other person to message him back and take it further?!?

I’ve just looked at what I’ve typed and I’m beginning to sound like a bunny boiler.

You get my point I hope.

99% of me is telling me I’m being a freak. Telling me that my boyfriend would never ever do anything like that to me. He loves me and I can trust him.

Unfortunately It’s the other 1% my mind is lingering on.

Telling me to worry. Telling me to be careful. Telling me to close off my heart in self defence. It seems to know when it’s in trouble and sets off those fight or flight bells ringing in my head. We’ve been together over 2 years now. We’ve had our ups and down like all couples have. Why is it though from time to time I worry about these things?!

What if the “Your Cute” person makes him an offer he struggles to refuse?! Where does that leave me? I love being in love but it’s soooo scary. I’ve opened up my heart to someone and they have it in their hands. They can chose to hold it gently and keep it safe or they can throw it away. Maybe breaking it forever

Now I'm getting all melodramatic.

I think I'd better leave it alone for now. I love my boyfriend. Will all of my heart. He is Number 1 on my list. I'm being silly.

Head over heels in love and still paranoid!

Unlike a headache.........there isn’t a pill for that!

Transfer of origional post from live journal December 17, 2006, 12:25

It’s been quite a while since I updated in here and I have no good excuse so for now I’ll just say sorry for that.

I hate to say “nothing much has happened” since my last update but I think my life might have a different pace to others.

I’m a plodder. I don’t look for new things I tend to wait for new things to discover me. I know that’s not a very interesting way to be but its just the way I am. If people want to suggest another approach to life then please feel free to suggest something………but for now I’m happy with it. I’ve never been one of those people with desires or goals to be somebody or to be a player in whatever field. I’ve always been happy just working and getting on with things. Maybe I should want more out of life. Maybe not. Are some people just destined to be plodders? Who can say. I’m sure were all born equal and it’s our up bringing that gives us that little push to be someone. Is that right?

So Leona just won the X-factor. I can’t say I’m surprised really. She has a beautiful voice and I’m sure, like all the others, will fade into obscurity before long. She is good though so I hope that’s not the case

Gus, or as he has to be known from now on “G”, has decided to put broke back mountain on. I’m not a fan of sad endings so I’m trying very hard not to watch. I’ve never been good at sad endings. Why can’t all films end happy? Have any of you seen a film called Beautiful thing? That’s a gay kind of film with a happy ending. Leaves you feeling warm inside. I’m sure broke back has a sad ending. I know there’s going to be tears before bed time. I remember the first time I saw beeches……..god I’m so gay…….but I cried soooooo hard. If I’m fed up or feeling miserable I put it on. Crying can be very therapeutic. I feel so much better after a cry. Then there’s nasty evil films like bambi and the green mile. I’ve never was good at sad stuff.

Anyway. I started writing this last night when I was a little tipsy on the wine but it still stands so I’m not going to rewrite it.

Just a small addition really. I think G thinks I’m a little to forthcoming with his privacy so I’m not going to refer to where I live or who I’m going out with from now on. Just something I have to live with I guess. I’m glad I can live my life without the worry of people looking at my sexual orientation in a detrimental way. If people don’t like it it’s their problem not mine. Its not like I wear it on my sleeve or anything but I don’t usually volunteer the information unless I think I need to. If people ask I don’t lie though.

Anyway, I'm not sure why I’m still winging on about this. Time to move on and get on with my day.

Laters people!

Transfer of origional post on live journal December 17, 2006, 00:42

My friend Sturm recently added a bunch of questions to his profile. I thought they were kind of cool so here they are answered on my profile.

1. Your Name: Rob

2. Age: 29

3. Favorite position (s)? Hmm. Probably on my side

4. Do you think i'm hot? I think i am! if i dont, who will!

5. Would you have sex with me? Id have sex with me.....and do!

6. lights on or off? Off!

7. Would you have to be drunk? Never but it always helps with inhibitions

8. Would you take a shower with me? Yup...these dont work properly in this context to they?!?

9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me? See above.

10. Would you leave after or stay the night? I always stay the night.

11. Do you like cuddling after wards? Yeah. makes you feel special.

12. Do you give Oral pleasures? Yeah. only if they want to of course.

13. Do you like to receive Oral Pleasures? Goes without saying.

14. Have sex on the first date? Yeah. im not a prude anyore

15. Would you kiss me during sex? Yeah. its nice.

16. Do you think I would be good in bed? Id like to think i am.

17. Three sum? If there both pretty

18. Anal yes/no? yeah but not on the 1st date.

19. How many times would you like to cum/orgasm? Like or capable of?

20. Do you like fore play? More than the up the bum stuff.

21. What is fore play to you? Me kissing and touching my boyfriend. Me doing rude things for my boyfriend.

That wasnt as long as i thought it would be,

A big update coming soon!

Transfer of origional post on live journal November 10, 2006, 15:18

Hey people, it’s been over 5 weeks!

As much as I hate to say it but in all of that time not a great deal has happened. I finally got myself registered with a doctor where i live so I don’t have to trudge back to Hebburn if i'm sick.

I’m still looking for another job too! :-(

Me and G are going to Manchester next week though so i’m looking forward to that. Were off to the pre-hibernation bash. We went to the one is the summer and that was great. Were staying with my friend lee and his boyfriend.

Maybe I should have wrote this after the bash. I’d have had something to write about then!

Transfer of origional post on live journal October 12, 2006, 17:28

Hey people.

As promised in my previous post I said I might add a small back story to “me”.

Upon reading my friend sturms post I thought it could be a cool addition.

Anyway, Lets make a start.

How far back should I start this?

It’s hard to judge so brace yourself people. I’m going to go back pretty far.

I’m going to share memories from when I was around 7ish years old. Bear in mind that when I was 7 the things that were going on with me and around me didn’t make any alarm bells ring. I was too young to understand the seriousness of the situations that I was getting involved in.

So here goes.

When I was 7 ish I went camping with 2 of my uncles and a few of their friends. There was between 10 and 14 of us if I remember right. I remember my nana telling Shaun and Steven (my uncles) that I had to be in the middle as I was the youngest and id get too cold. It was a brilliant night. The tent went up really quick and before long there was a huge fire going. It was cool we brought potato’s and wrapped them in tin foil to cook on the fire. It was great! They were all drinking and before long it was time to settle down for the night.

It turned out I was going to be 2nd from the end in the sleeping arrangements but I didn’t really mind. I had a couple of layers of clothes on so I was warm enough. I remember during the night I even took a couple of layers off because it got very warm with all of us in the tent.

Then I woke up with a bit of a fright. You know that funny feeling you get when you’ve been lying on your arm and it goes numb? Then you touch yourself with it and it feels like its someone else touching you? Well I got that feeling so I woke up. It turns out one of the group was touching me up. Now remember what I said at the start of this journal entry. I was too young to realise what was going on was bad. So I went along with it. Obviously I’m not going to go into intimate details but “stuff” happened. It was wrong and illegal but it happened. Looking back i'm not sure how it could have happened with so many people in the tent sharing but it did. I don’t feel bad or have any resentment towards the lad in the tent who did what he did. Maybe I should but it’s never bothered me to this day. It didn’t feel bad and still doesn’t.

Now were going to fast forward to me being 15 ish.

I went to a party with a friend. I remember the owner of the house kept looking at me “funny”. He was called Terry. At this point I thought I knew what gays and queers were. Only school playground stuff though. I still hadn’t made the connection with myself yet so I thought nothing of the looks I was getting. The party went on till the early hours with everyone including myself getting drunk and having fun. I’ve never been a good drinker so it didn’t take much for me to get merry! People were going home or to bed and by the end there were only a couple of us left awake. There were spare rooms so me and a couple of friends decided to stay over. I remember being asked to lock the back door. The kitchen was very dark and I didn’t know where the light was so I fumbled across the kitchen to the door. Just as I got there someone grabbed me from behind. His left arm went down the front of my trousers as his left arm went across my chest and pulled me towards him. I remember feeling him pressed against me. I didn’t resist or fight back. At that point I wanted it to happen and I was very “excited” about the whole thing. It was over as quickly as it started. Something must have clicked in my head. For years I had no idea what was wrong with me. In those few seconds id realised it was terry who had grabbed me and it felt really good. He walked back into the living room and left me standing in the Dark kitchen. I just stood there and didn’t move. He came back in and this time it was me who grabbed him. I grabbed him and kissed him. After that it went back into the living room like nothing had happened. The part went on a little longer. All the time I was really horny and i’m sure my friends thought something was wrong. Eventually I said I was going to bed and went off to the spare room, I got ready for bed and went to sleep. Id tried to stay awake but I was drunk and it was late. I remember waking up and someone else being in the room. A spooky feeling. Then I noticed terry at the door. When he realised I’d seen him he came in and locked the door behind him. My heart was racing.

I’m not going to go into any gory details but we had sex. The next morning I left and never went back. I’m not sure why but I didn’t want to see him again.

Now those were the 2 most important sexual encounters in my life. I don’t have any bad feelings to the people involved but I am very aware that it was wrong. At the same time if I could turn the clock back and have the option of none of it happening id say no. I think they were important learning lessons for me.

Nothing happened in my life again till I was 20 and met my 1st boyfriend. Me and mark didn’t last long as boyfriends but we’ve been best friends ever since. Were still very close and i’m going to be the best man at his wedding in February.

So here ends my longest journal entry!!

Transfer of origional post on live journal October 03, 2006, 19:23

I’ve not had a great day at work today.

I’m not sure why really. It was good and bad. Good because I was constantly busy and all of a sudden it was time to go home. BONUS! But then again my head was a little frazzled because I had a million and 1 things to do. Needless to say it all got done but my head was done in by the end.

Now i've been home for around an hour. I’ve already made most of the evening meal and have it on low waiting for my fella to Finnish work. He works long hours and he works hard. His phone is always on for work and he’s always checking work by logging in from home. Very dedicated. I wish I had a fraction of his dedication!!

I’m already onto my second vodka which isn’t a good thing. I have to be up for work at 5am tomorrow so I think I’ll have 1 more then I’m done.

I’m also about to use the multi gym. We managed to clear some space in the spare room so we could get to it. I want to have bigger arms to start with but I’m very hard to motivate. I want to see results straight away and that’s not how it works. ANY POINTERS AND TIPS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

My friend sturm1982 has just done a nice "history of his life" update in his journal. I really liked it. It gave me a bit more of an insight on what he’s about.

I’m going to do one myself. Maybe tonight or tomorrow afternoon. This may sound bad but once i’ve had a couple of drinks I’ll probably tell a better story about me. I’m much less inhibited when I’ve had a couple so it will be a better read if I do it tonight and not tomorrow.

We shall see.

Anyway. I’m off to use the multi gym. See ya'll later or tomorrow.

Transfer of origional post on live journal September 21, 2006, 21:12

It’s Thursday night and there’s bugger all on the telly. There’s a programme with Fran Cosgrove on though. He’s kind of pretty so it’s better then nothing.

Me and G, my fella, are having a couple of glasses of wine and chilling out. It’s nice. It’s been a scorcher day here and at work we have no aircon so it’s been over 30 degrees centigrade in the shade. I work in a local newsagent’s so all the chocolate has melted. I don’t mind though. It’s not my shop and the owner doesn’t want to invest in air con.

God my journal entries are dull.

I’m not doing these for anyone else but me though so I don’t need to spice them up with car chases or shoot outs............unless of course you want them!

Nothing happens in Hexham where I live other than road works and the odd chav related police activity. I’ve just bought GTA : San Andreas for less than a tenner so I might have a play on that later.

I’m off tomorrow too so I'm looking forward to being able to chill out and not worry about work. Jamie, a lad I work with, is leaving tomorrow so were all going out for a couple of beers.

I’m hoping not to make a drunken journal entry tomorrow!